True Detective Season Two Rec(r)ap: Abridged Version
FADE IN:
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY, NIGHT.
INT. BROODING DETECTIVE WITH PORNSTACHE'S SHITTY APARTMENT
BROODING DETECTIVE WITH PORNSTACHE sits in bed. Drinks. Stares blankly. Pours another drink, downs it.
PHONE RINGS (IPHONE MARIMBA TONE)
BROODING DETECTIVE WITH PORNSTACHE Oh, hi, MY EX-WIFE. I suppose you're calling me to hector me about my shitty parenting skills, such as the time I beat up the father of that kid who was tormenting our chubby, shoeless son? What? You are still upset about that time I murdered the scumbag who raped you resulting in the birth of our chubby son, hence the reason I start crying every time you bring up the possibility of a paternity test? Well, FUCK YOU, bitch!
He throws phone across the room. Drinks straight from the bottle. Does a few lines of blow. Lights up a joint. Passes out. Pisses himself. Flies settle on his crotch.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - NIGHT.
INT. SECRET MIRROR ROOM INSIDE VINCI CASINO
FRANK VAUGHNAISSANCE paces, expressionless. He is well-dressed and impeccably groomed.
FRANK VAUGHNAISSANCE (Monotone) Goddam my fucking wife, making me cum in a fucking plastic cup so she can have a baby to fix our fragile marriage. My sperm are turbocharged like fifty thousand Michael Phelpses on Adderall swimming up the Orinoco, for Christ's sake! (Unintelligible mumble) Clearly, the infertility issue is hers, probably related to the excessive botox that has rendered her almost, but not quite, as expressionless as me. (Unintelligible mumble) I am troubled by this deeply personal and embarrassing issue, on top of all the stress of trying to stay clean despite my dark criminal past, and also that time I was locked in the basement and nibbled by rats because drunk daddy. Hey, HENCHMAN, let's go talk to some people about high-speed train stuff and zoning technicalities so I can get mad again.
HENCHMAN Boss, I have some bad news for you. An UGLY STEREOTYPICAL MEXICAN THUG WITH A "FUCK YOU" RACK OF GOLD TEETH WHO WORKS IN A RAVER SEX CLUB said something unintelligible about you being involved in some sort of transportation or public works extortion something-something.
FRANK VAUGHNAISSANCE (Expressionless, monotone) You fucking piece of putrescent dogshit! You waited until now to tell me this important piece of news?
Frank removes nice coat, rolls up sleeves, dances around, and beats Henchman unconscious. CLOSEUP as he removes testes from Henchman's scrotum with letter opener. Pockets testes.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - NIGHT.
CONFLICTED HOT GAY COP on his motorcycle. Crying as he drives very fast. His well-defined cheeks ripple and flap like a dog's jowls when it sticks its head out of a fast-moving car. He flies over an embankment, lands on an ice cream truck, flips in midair, lands, and skids to a halt next to the EYELESS CASTRATED CORPSE OF BERNIE.
CONFLICTED HOT GAY COP Uh-oh, I bet this will have worse consequences than the blowjob thing—not the meh blowjob from my girlfriend who waits all day for me to come home to be grumpy to her because I am gay, but the other one. Speaking of, I think I'll go visit my mom.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - MORNING.
INT. FEMALE LEAD COP'S APARTMENT - DAY.
She is practicing her knife throwing skills while slowly shaving her toned, tan, sexy legs. ONE-NIGHT STAND BOYFRIEND is trying to get her attention.
ONE-NIGHT STAND BOYFRIEND So you're just going to ignore me? Because I didn't want to take a detour up the old Hershey Highway last night?
FEMALE LEAD COP I am a strong female character, as shown by my knife-wielding skills and my preference for hot anal sex. Please leave because I am going to solve a crime about high-speed rail, municipal politics, and related public works corruption. Oh, and serendipitously discovery my sister on chaturbate.com because my hippie dad made my mother walk into a lake which, in turn, made me a detective and my sister an empowered sex worker while our other siblings committed suicide or something. So get the fuck out of here before I show more hardcore feminine characteristics that prove I am not just another sexy prop.
She hurls a knife into a full-size replica of HIPPIE GURU FATHER. The knife embeds itself in his crotch.
FEMALE LEAD COP If only mother had sliced off your patchouli-scented balls I would have been spared the new age psychobabble and piss-poor parenting that led me to become a powerful female role model detective who is profoundly miserable but incredibly hot.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - EARLY EVENING.
INT. RICH PERVERT'S MANSION - NIGHT
Brooding Detective with Pornstache picks lock in three seconds. He opens door and is greeted by sexy home filled with sexy sex toys, bondage swing, fetish mags scattered on floor, sexy underwear, sexy rubber clothing, full-head masks hanging on wall (Baphomet, Scooby Doo, Heckle and Jeckle). His foot accidentally kicks a plastic semen container labeled VINCI SPERM BANK and it wobbles across the room and comes to rest on a high-speed rail construction permit spattered with blood. An eyeball sits atop the permit.
BROODING DETECTIVE WITH PORNSTACHE (Hungover) Hmm, perhaps I will wander around aimlessly in hopes that someone will shoot me and put an end to my miserable existence.
FLUTTERSHY-HEADED VILLAIN pops out from behind a blow-up sex doll and shoots Brooding Detective with Pornstache six times, point-blank in the chest.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - NIGHT.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - LATER THAT NIGHT.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - MORNING.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - NIGHT.
INT. DAVID LYNCH'S BAR - NIGHT
A DEEPLY DEPRESSED SINGER/SONGWRITER plays to a sparse crowd—Brooding Detective with Pornstache sitting across from Frank Vaughnaissance in a booth while SCARTENDER pours yet another round of drinks.
FRANK VAUGHNAISSANCE Go dig up some information on whoever chopped off BERNIE's rod and tackle because now I have no money and you owe me, you sodden sack of nicotine, because I told you who raped your wife so you could kill him, remember?
BROODING DETECTIVE WITH PORNSTACHE I want to die. I really just want to die. For fuck's sake, I got shot half a dozen times and I still couldn't die. (Stares at nothing, downs another whisky, pours another, downs it, smokes a cigarette down to the filter, drinks several more glasses of whisky).
FRANK VAUGHNAISSANCE And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. Nietzsche, that's who said that. (Mumbles) Oh, and I have bitch troubles, too. Go do something stupid and come back to me. (Throws sack of money across table. Mumbles something. Leaves).
BROODING DETECTIVE WITH PORNSTACHE Life is a flat circle jerk.
EXT. L.A. FREEWAY - NIGHT.
FADE TO VERY, VERY BLACK.